My life has gotten a little crazy in the last couple of months, and not the good kind of crazy. I’d like to blog about it, but I can’t do that. See, while I am one of those open-book kind of people with unlimited boundaries and a loud mouth, there are other people closely involved in my most recent crap who are a bit more quiet and choose not to advertise the nature of their problems in blog form. So, out of respect for said people and their aforementioned quietness, I have opted not to blab about my personal crap. It has been difficult to do something so contrary to my natural tendencies; as you may have noticed (or maybe not) I have not blogged in over a month. I just haven’t had the energy or the mindset to come up a neutral topic that has nothing to do with what I’m going through, and honestly, I still don’t have the energy or the mindset, but I’m going to try anyway.
There are some people who know what’s going on. Some know more than others, but only a select few know everything. I can’t go through this without talking about it at all, right? I’ve had hours-long conversations about this, and one thing that keeps coming up is happiness. I’m being encouraged to do whatever makes me happy, I’m told that life won’t be okay until I’m happy, that my kids can’t and won’t be happy unless I’m happy, and that my happiness matters, and happy, happy, happy, happy. Usually I’m inclined to agree with this idea of happiness trumping all, but lately I’m beginning to wonder what that really means. “Happiness” is such a vague term, something that isn’t so easily defined. When I’m told to do what makes me happy, what exactly am I being told to do? I suppose I could search my heart (another vague idea, that) and pull out some kind of action plan, but the truth is, people (myself included) are generally very bad at predicting what will make them happy. I also wonder how worthy my happiness is if it causes a great deal of pain and unhappiness for others. At what point do you set your own ambitions aside for the sake of someone else? There has to be some kind of boundary, even when you’re talking happiness, right?
This is where the idea of happiness starts to bleed into the idea of selfishness. I’m told that my happiness is important, but honestly, what I’m seeking for my own happiness is pretty selfish. Sure, there are times when it is okay to be selfish, but normally only after a prolonged period of selflessness, and even then only when the selfish act involves little more than a bubble bath or an extra piece of chocolate. To do something truly selfish, to act without concern for the impact it may have on others, is not so easily accepted, even if it is being done on the road to that elusive happiness everyone keeps talking about. I have been incredibly selfish the past few months. I am not apologizing. I’m just figuring out that, whether it’s my happiness at stake or not, I have to do what’s right for me. It’s all I can do. So I’m not focusing so much on happiness or selfishness anymore, but trying to look at what’s right for me, and trying to get to that point without hurting too many people on the way. I don’t know if I will ultimately be happier or not, but I suppose there’s no way of knowing that for sure. I gave up the security of certainty a long time ago, anyway.
I know I will likely lose some friends by the end of all of this. All I can hope for is that people will be understanding, but I can’t demand it of anyone. I’m too exhausted to explain myself and I have nothing to apologize for, so I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Wish me luck. And happiness.
