You know what gets old after a while? Introspection. For the past four months I have been absolutely entrenched in my own thoughts. Actually, let’s be honest: I have been entrenched in the same four or five thoughts, which I think to death, over and over and over until I feel like I’m going crazy and want to punch myself in the brain. I’m so sick of thinking and feeling and talking about what I’m thinking and feeling, and thinking about what I‘m thinking and feeling… I have been in limbo, absolutely stuck in one spot, unable to go up or down for fear of upsetting the delicate universe and making people cry. I can’t take it anymore! So what to do, what to do? Well, I say it’s time to stop all the platitudes and to just freaking do something already. I mean, how hard can it be?
Change is imminent. I *probably* have a different job, though I’m still waiting for my background check to go through (which could take two weeks or more, ugh) so I’m reluctant to start celebrating quite yet. This job would be so much cooler than my present employment in so many ways… For one thing, I’ll be making about three times more money than I am now, which isn’t really saying much if you consider how little I make right now, but hey, it’s something. It’s full-time, Monday-Friday, 8am-5pm, with an hour lunch every single day (awesome) and a full benefits package. But the best part? I wouldn’t have to work with the public. EVER. I considered keeping my part-time job even if I get this other job, but after working a four hour shift on the register, I decided there’s no way in hell I can continue to subject myself to the dumbassedness I encounter there, not even for one day a week. So I’m just sitting here waiting, hoping my checkered past doesn’t show up on the background check (I’m kidding, there’s nothing there because I hid the bodies very well…) so that I can say goodbye to asshole central and get on with my life.
In other news of change, Nick got himself a truck. This is a big deal, because his other car is a tiny Fiat X1/9, and it’s only slightly bigger than a bread box, so he can’t put the kids in there. This new(er) truck has a full backseat, which means that he’ll be able to pick the kids up from daycare when (if) I start working my new job. This will also give me some freedom as far as weekend trips are concerned, meaning I can actually take a weekend trip and not worry about leaving him stranded with the kids, without transportation. This will also give me some freedom if there will be a separation, which, at this point, seems to be a logical step to me. He totally disagrees, of course, but I think I would definitely benefit from some time on my own.
Oh, yeah, I guess I haven’t mentioned this before… I’ve made some vague references here and there, but I haven’t come out and said anything concrete about my personal situation out of respect for my husband. Well, he gave me permission to be candid, so candid I will be. We are currently in marital limbo. It is hell, I think we’d both say as much. Let me be clear on a few things, though. Our kids will be fine, no matter what the outcome of all this may be. We both have their best interests at heart; they always come first. We are not constantly fighting and screaming at each other. This is not how we are. There is a lot of pain, though, and a lot of very large problems, some of which, if we can be honest about it, cannot be fixed. We’ve seen a marital counselor, we took a week-long trip to Florida without the kids, we have been talking and talking and talking, but at the very core of the matter everything has stayed the same, and by “everything,” I mean me. I haven’t changed my mind, and my feelings are the same. The distance between us seems to be widening, and I know it’s because I’m holding back, but let’s face it: I am exhausted. I don’t know how much longer I can stay in this state of limbo. I can’t eat; I’ve lost a lot of weight, and have been struggling to get back into healthier patterns. I can’t sleep and now have a twitch in my eyelid because of it. I have headaches all the time, which isn’t something I’ve ever had to deal with before. I’ve lost friends and am having a very difficult time wrapping my mind around that. I have never been more stressed out in my life, and I feel like I have got to do something before I completely lose myself.
But anyway, now I’m getting back into that stupid introspection again, so I think it’s time to pull the plug on this blog. It’s late anyway, time to go to bed and not sleep so I can get up with the kids in a few hours and not eat breakfast… Oye, it’s going to be a long week…
