I hate it when people compare their lives to a whirlwind. I hate it even more when people mistakenly call it a “worldwind.” But these days I’m too tired to be a complete English snob, so I’m going to go ahead and say it: My life has been a whirlwind lately. Writing that hurt me so much more than I can ever reveal, but it’s the best I can come up with right now. And besides, it’s true: If there were ever a true whirlwind scenario, I’m living it right now. The only thing that has really changed is my job, but it has been such a major change that I feel like I’m living a different life.
I used to work in the book department of a giant entertainment superstore; you may remember past blogs in which I bitch and moan about the idiocy of the general public. Now I work as a meter reader for the gas company. Basically, I walk all over town, through people’s backyards, past their dogs, around their overgrown bushes and into the mud, just to read the gas meter and put the numbers into a little computer thingy. The job is pretty simple; all I have to do is read the meter. A lot of meters. There are so many things I really like about this job, the main thing being a lack of interaction with the public. I speak to very few people during my day, though I do speak to a lot of dogs, cats, and the occasional duck. I’m making more money (I even get a monthly check to fill my gas tank), I have awesome benefits, I get plenty of exercise (you should see my butt and legs… Yowza!), and I have a real sense of autonomy, working without a boss (or customers) hanging over my shoulder all the time.
The new job does have a break-in period which I think I’m still experiencing; the bruises and blisters on feet are only now starting to fade, and I still feel half dead by the end of the day. I haven’t been able to go out even half as often as I used to, though I’m hoping that will change once I become accustomed to this forty hour week business. I bought myself a pair of hiking boots AND snow boots, which is a big deal because I do not normally endorse expensive, non-cute, functional footwear. I also feel myself slowly transforming into a dude in many ways; I don’t wear makeup (what’s the point?) and I pull my hair back into a bun, and by the time I’m done with my route, I look like hell. I probably don’t smell very good, either, but hey, that’s what showers are for.
I thought this job would be mostly uneventful, maybe even a little boring, but it seems like something weird happens every day… One day, I was about to go into a backyard when a teenager pulled into the driveway. My computer thingy (officially called an Itron) said there was a dog in this backyard, so I asked the kid if there was a vicious, face-eating dog waiting for me back there. The kid said, “No, there’s no dog. But I can come over there and bite you if you want.” I just looked at him like he was crazy and said, “No, I’m good, thanks.” It was especially weird because it had been raining that entire day; I was drenched, looking like a mop in a jacket, shivering and making squishy sounds in my shoes every time I took a step. I wanted to add a note to the Itron to warn the other meter readers about the horny teenager at this address, but I decided against it, thinking the other guys wouldn’t likely have this same problem. Just the other day, I was reading a meter in the alley, and a guy pulled up next to me in a minivan. He rolled down his window, stuck his head out and said, “I’m telling Mama that you’re playing in the alley!” Then he got very serious and said, “Alley is no place for a woman.” I thought I was going to end up stuffed in a trunk in the back of his minivan, but the guy just drove away.
Today I had my first dog bite. My boss told me that it was inevitable, that every single meter reader gets bitten at some point, but I honestly thought I would be the first to beat that statistic. I’m always very careful with dogs, and I will not go into a yard until I know it is safe. I have found that most dogs are friendly, even those “troublesome” breeds that might normally scare the crap out of you. Well, today I was supposed to go into a yard with two unfriendly dogs, a Blue Heeler and an English Bulldog. There were two houses on this lot; I did not know which house the dogs belonged to, and I did not want to go in there with them. I walked around and got one read from the safe side of the fence, the dogs following me, barking and snarling and trying to get to me the entire time. When I walked back around the front, the dogs were gone. I figured the owner had let them in, and I knew there wasn’t a doggy door, so I stood at the gate and made a ton of noise, trying to see if the dogs were still around. There was no sign of them, and since they were so intent on yapping at me before, I assumed it was safe. I went into the yard and found the meter, which happened to be right next to the sliding glass door, which happened to be wide freaking open. The dogs saw me and came running out, and at some point, the Heeler bit my leg. It was awesome. Ok, no, it really wasn’t awesome. The dog broke the skin, so I had to go to a clinic and see a doctor and get a tetanus shot and a prescription for antibiotics, and I lost a good two hours of the day and wasn’t able to get my route done. But the best part of the entire incident was the owner’s reaction. After a good ten minutes of me standing around waiting for my boss, the owner comes out and says, “Uh, is something going on?” Yeah, like he didn’t just hear me screaming at his dogs… I told him that his dog bit me and he said, “Oh, my dog has never bitten anyone before… Are you sure?” Then he let both of the dogs outside, into the front yard, no leashes, no fence. The Heeler was apologetic and almost sweet, but the English Bulldog still wanted to kick my ass. I had to yell at the guy to get his freaking dogs in the house, which he didn’t do until my boss showed up. The whole situation was just lame, and I hope I don’t have to go through that ever again. I’m thinking about getting a suit of armor, see if that helps at all.
So, vicious dogs and creepy dudes aside, I’m really enjoying the job. Honestly, I’m surprised by how much I like it. I thought I would be totally worn down by now, and though I am tired, I’m mostly okay. It’s not glamorous at all, but it’s working for me right now. Though I will be pissed if I end up getting Rabies…
